John Stroman

It has been a week since my father-in-law went home to be with the Lord. I have reflected on many things in the last 2 weeks. some have asked me to put some of the thoughts and words that I spoke at his funeral into a format that others could access. The following are some of what I shared last Tuesday afternoon.

There are many things that I learned from my father-in-law. I learned of his love for the Lord, his love for his family, and his love for the Church.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I don’t intimidate easily. But, I will admit today that John intimidated me at first. He was everything that I wanted to be. He was successful, he was a leader in the church and he had a truly great family. I was brought into the family. I was introduced to some truly great and Godly men who mentored me and showed me what it is to be a man of God. Men like John Stroman, Paul Freese, Stan Bowers, George Gressett, Dave Hodsdon, Lowell Clyburn, and Bill Searcy. They are almost all gone now. You will hear from one of those men (Stan Bowers) in just a few minutes.

So I offer this advice to you young men, young husbands, young fathers – find yourself a mentor. Find a man like John Stroman to talk to and learn from. Many have had the privilege of having John as a mentor. I was privileged to have him as a father-in-law.

But I learned another thing about John. I also learned about his love of asking questions. He would question the referee when his beloved Washington Redskins came out on the wrong side of the little yellow rag. I am sure he asked last night what happened to the Redskins? (Redskins and Cowboys on MNF, Sept 26, 2011)

He would ask many kinds of questions. Some of them would, quite frankly, exasperate and embarrass me from time to time. For instance, he would sometimes take me golfing an then ask the pro shop for a discount over and above the coupon that he was already trying to use. He would often ask a waitress for something obscure or not on the menu. He would smile that wry smile and see what they would say.

He would often turn and ask me very pointed questions. Some of them made me uncomfortable. He would ask me about my career plans and choices. He would ask me about some of the financial decisions I was making. And although he did not always agree with my decisions and choices, he always loved and supported me.

I think that I learned the power of the question from John. I learned that you often get more in a tense situation by asking questions than by making statements. Maybe it was all of that IBM sales training. Maybe it was just the wisdom gained from many years of living and learning. But I watched him many times as he applied the technique of asking questions as we sat on church boards together. I would want to shout out the obvious solution. John would choose to patiently ask probing questions until everyone could see the value of the solution that he somehow could see intuitively.

I know that if John were here today he would have at least one or two questions for us all.

He would ask is everyone rejoicing in their hearts today with him?

And he would ask if each of you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you knew Jesus the way that John knew Jesus. And if you didn’t, he would ask if you would like to know the Jesus that he knew.

But if you do know Jesus in a real and personal way, he would say what he used to the girls every Sunday morning from the bottom of the stairs . . . Vamanos! Let’s go!

Let’s celebrate the life of John Stroman and get on with living life the way that he lived it.

How have you changed since 9/11/01?

We have been hearing and reading an awful lot in the media lately about how America has changed since the fateful events of Tuesday morning, Sptember 11, 2001.  I have seen articles in the USA Today newspaper every morning for a while now.  And the subject of how that day changed America has been the subject of many articles, blogs and conversations.

I am somewhat a student of the topic of change.  I don't value change for change's sake alone.  But I do recognize the need for change in many aspects of our personal lives and our organizations.

But back to the many subject of so many of the articles that I have been reading.  They have focused on how the events of September 11th in 2001 have somehow influenced, impacted or otherwised changed our Country.  And they have focused on the changes that have impacted from a political or cultural perspective.  They have focused on whether or not America is safer now.  They have focused on whether or not America is a better place today.  And they have focused on how America is viewed by other nations and cultures.

I don't think I can really add anything to that discussion. 

But what about changes that are more personal? 

What about changes that don't relate to the tragic events of that day at all?

Let's take the questions from above and try to apply them to our own personal lives.  For instance, am I a better man today than I was 10 years ago?  Am I a better husband?  Am I a better father?  Am I a better employee?  Am I a better Christian?

Those questions are a little harder.  But they are much more important to me and to the overall success of my family, church, culture and society. 

I'm just talking out loud right here.  But I think that as we focus on improving ourselves as husbands, fathers, employees and Christians, we will inevitably become better Americans and members of the global community.

Butler to the President - Server at a Banquet

His name was Eduardo.  He told me to call him "Eddie".  He was from the Philippines and he left after Ferdinand Marcos was deposed in February of 1986. 

Eddie was in the personal service of Marcos.  He was what would most likely be considered a butler.  He served Marcos proudly and he served him well.  Eddie was fortunate to get out before the downfall of Marcos.  And Eddie left and found himself in the service of King Khalid of Saudi Arabia.  He served the King until his death.  Eddie has served other persons of great political prominence and wealth, but we did not discuss them much. 

At some point on a visit to family here in the U.S., he found his way to Las Vegas, Nevada.  And then, as Eddie said, "the planes hit the twin towers and all that."  And he found himself stuck in Vegas with no real plan to get back to where he had come.  Quickly running out of money he turned to what he knew.  He could serve.  But, there are not many kings or presidents in Vegas.  There are "whales".  But they come and go and he needed something steady.  So he got a job serving food to business folks like me who come to Vegas for conventions.  And that is how we met.  We met at the final dinner of a convention that I attended this week.

And here is what impressed me.  He served us like I was a president or a king.  I don't really know that for absolute surety.  but I know he served me well and with great care.  But I am nobody really.  I am just a guy in a suit who works for some big corporation.  But he treated me with great dignity and respect.

One of the speakers at one of the luncheon was the CEO of Zappos.com, Tony Hsieh.  Hsieh talked about the culture of Zappos.com.  And he talked about the interview process for those who want to come to work for Zappos.com.  He said that unbeknown to the person interviewing for a job, the driver of the van that transported the prospective employee to the office was a part of the interview process.  And after the formal interview was over, the driver was asked about the prospective employee and how he treated the driver during the ride.  So, no matter if the person was an outstanding applicant, if he had no ability to relate to the "cab driver", then he was not really Zappos.com material. 

So, I am just sorta talking out loud here.  But I wonder.  How do I treat people?  Do I treat them royally?  Do I treat them with dignity and respect even when they are just some tired and worn out conventioner?  Would Zappos.com hire me based upon how I treated the cab driver to and from the airport?

I hope so.  I think so.  I pray so.

Facebook and the Ideal Tribe Size

I get a bunch of e-zines and various technology related subscription content delivered by email to my work email address.  It gives me plenty to look at when I can't concentrate on my work because am having an ADD flareup during the day.  I came across an interesting one the other day that was about being a little more discerning in the amount of Friends that you have on facebook.  I think it stands alone without the need for comment.

But the opening paragraphs and Step 1 of the article really got my mind racing.  I chose to take the statement made in Step 1 and apply it to my church consulting interests.  For those of you who did not click on the link in the paragraph above, here is what got my attention:

"Ponder over the fact that the ideal human tribe number is thought to be about 150. This anthropological and sociological figure was reached at through studying people's interactions in societies and it is also thought to apply to the online context. After all, there is only so much buzz and chatter that you can actually manage to take in without feeling overloaded. As such, if your facebook friends amount to more than 150, it may just be that your online tribe capacity is bulging at the seams and that there are people there whom you rarely, if ever, interact with."

 What does this have to say about the modern church?  I don't know about you, but I don't see many churches striving to optimize at the 150 attendance mark.  Most that I know of are looking to be the next Second Baptist here in the Houston area.  They have fully bought in to the belief that "bigger is better".

In fact, most churches today are embracing more and more of the social networking culture.  My local church has a facebook page.  Our denomination has a facebook group page.  Every pastor that I know is active to some degree or another on facebook.  Most are embracing the "immediacy" of the social networking technology as a communication and ministry tool.  In fact, recently, we were asked and we texted answers to poll questions to the pastor in the middle of his message as a way of making the message more interactive.  It was very interesting.  However, my mom probably would not approve of me texting in church!  So, don't tell her.

But consider the statement from the article that I quoted above.  How is it that we in the church embrace so much of what modern society and social culture and anthropology has to say when it comes to mass communication theory, and yet we completely ignore so much of what we know intuitively in our gut to be true?

I am just talking out loud here, but I bet you won't hear anything tomorrow from your pulpit that says that your local church has gotten too big to really function in the intimate way that Jesus Christ intended it to.  I am not taking a shot at any particular pastor here.  But the reality of the situation is that so many pastors, are looking to grow the church, grow the staff and "outsource" much of the traditional pastoral functions to junior staff and small group leaders rather than becoming intimately acquainted and involved in the lives of the whole church body. 

Is it possibly because there are more than 150 of us who attend on a regular basis?  Is it possibly because our seminaries are training a generation of pastors who are not being taught or mentored in such a way that their heart's desire was to know the people of the church intimately and stand with them through tears of joy and sorrow?

I am not theologically opposed to a church of more than 53,000 like Second Baptist.  I am really not.  I was a member of that church for several years.  I just know that I have experienced the greatest levels of intimacy in my life at churches that hovered around the 200 range.  At 200, I know who will do the weddings and funerals that come along.  I know who will dedicate the babies.  I know who I will call in the moments following a tragedy. 

Maybe, just maybe, to borrow from another cultural phenomenon and the 1980's sitcom known as Cheers, I am looking for the kind of response that Norm Peterson got every time he walked into the bar.  Everyone shouted, "Norm!" 

Norm belonged there.  Everybody loved Norm.  And everybody knew his name.

Living and Reflecting

I guess I have been a little too busy lately "living" life to spend much time "reflecting" on life. But my goal is to slow down a little and reflect a little more. The Memorial Day week-end couldn't come at a better time. So, let's all slow down a little this week-end and enjoy time with family or friends. After all, many have fought and died so that you and I can grill in peace and freedom.

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If the world is going to end, do you need a new coffee pot?

I guess I have been so busy lately that I really didn't pay much attention to the whole "end of the world" thing.  Usually that stuff fascinates me beyond belief.  But this little bit of misguided nonsense slipped past me. 

So what does that have to do with a new coffee pot?  Well, we got a new one a few weeks ago.  It leaked right away.  And we figured it was "operator error".  Then it leaked again.  And then again.  One time is maybe my fault.  Two times is a strange coincidence.  Three times and you got yourself a "leaker".  That settled it.  We needed to take that one back and get another new coffee pot.  So we did.  And it is a cool one!

Now what does this have to do with the predicted rapture?  I'll tell you as I describe the events of "rapture day".  I got up.  My wife went out to breakfast as is our custom.  We talked about life and our family.  We stopped by Target and bought a new coffee maker.  We visited briefly with my in-laws.  While we were there I fixed a broken toilet handle.  For most of the day we drove around north Houston looking for furniture for the house we want to buy if we can ever get this one sold.  We spent a lot of time in car and we listened to old gospel quartets using Pandora and my Android phone.  Cool, huh?  We had dinner with some of our family around the time of the predicted rapture.  Apparently it didn't happen so we paid the check and went on our merry way.  We ended up going to an antique auction for a few hours to end the day.

Whew!  That was quite a day.  It was full of family, fun, serving, laughing, singing, and praying.

And then it hit me.

That's the way that I want to spend my last day here on Earth.  I want to be so ready to meet my Maker that I won't have to change a thing about my day.  There will be no last minute apologies to someone that I have hurt.  No flurry of hastily said, "I love you's".  I hope that when God calls me home I am on my way back to the house from visiting my grand-kids or fixing something for a friend or neighbor and I am driving in my car sipping coffee and listening to The Cathedrals with the windows rolled down.

What did you do yesterday?

Photo via a link to the official "Mr. Coffee" website

Tut-tut, it looks like rain

Christopher Robin says that phrase as he walks around the tree with his umbrella raised.  He and Pooh are trying to fool some bees.  Pooh is after the honey and Christopher Robin is trying to distract the bees.  But he is predicting a rain storm that never comes.

I love Winnie the Pooh and grew up reading the books and listening to Maurice Evans read the books on records played on Mom and Dad's console stereo.

God makes a rain prediction to Noah in Genesis 6.  God says,

I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish.

But here is the part that I am constantly amazed by.  Noah began building the ark long before it started to rain.  And it may have been many, many years before the flood.  In fact, it may have been many years.

Here is what we know.  Noah was around 500 years old when God told him to build it.  And he was around 600 years old when he entered the ark.  So, assuming Noah began shortly after he was commanded to build it, it may have taken up to 100 years.  The Bible doesn't provide that level of detail.  But I have to imagine it would take a 500 year old man and his three sons a very long time to build a boat the size of the ark.

But he did build it.  He built it in the middle of a desert.  He built it without ever experiencing rain like he would one day when he entered the ark.  What an amazing thought.  The world had never seen rain and floods like they were going to see.

He built that ark on faith.  And that faith provided safety for not just him.  But also his wife, his sons, and his sons' wives.  Noah's obedience made it possible for others to live.

Does anyone see Noah's response and actions as a model for us as husbands and fathers?

What if he had waited until he started seeing the dark clouds gathering on the horizon?

I am just talking out loud here, but I think it would have been too late.

By the way, it's supposed to rain here tomorrow.


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Over the line

Not many things bug me.

Well, that's not true. There are a lot of things that bug me. And one of those things that bothers me is the way that people park their cars. It bugs me when they park too close to the line. And it really bugs me when they park over the line. Because if you don't stop this, the next thing you know you will have chaos! Chaos, I say!

And do you know why?

It's because when they park over the line, it makes me go over the line. And I don't like to be over the line. In fact I mumble under my breath or mutter to my wife about all of the goofy people that can't even park their cars.

Then one day the other day it dawned on me. What if the guy's car that I am looking at was forced to park over the line in my space because the guy next to him was over the line. And then it dawned on me again. What if the other guy had to park over the line because another guy was over the line.

I realized I was being just a wee bit judgmental. Ok. I was being a lot judgmental.

But this observation pointed something out to me in a profound way. It became clear that what I do and the decisions that I make have an impact outside of my own little self.

What do you suppose are the implications of that realization? What impact does that make on decisions and actions?

As a dad, I want to keep safe within the lines of God's love and mercy. The last thing I want to do is to force someone else over the line by my careless or selfish actions.  The Bible says in Romans 14:13,

"Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way."

I am just talking out loud. And I realize we are all accountable for our own decisions. But I would never want to be a stumbling block to anyone. I think I will make extra sure that I am keeping it between the lines.

I'm not just living for the here and now . . .

. . .  I'm living for the there and then.

These are the catchy lyrics of a southern gospel song by The Stevens Family.  I am a big fan of southern gospel.  But I don't really know a whole lot about the Stevens family.  I was just struck by the lyrics and the title of the song.

How many times do we get caught up in the day to day living of our lives that we neglect the eternal implications of our lives and lifestyles.  Many of us have grown up in Sunday School or have gone to Vacation Bible School when we were children.  I bet many of you know the verse, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." -- Matt. 6:19-20

Isn't that verse sort of saying the same thing as the song?  It is to me. 

I am not saying I don't have some living to do here and now.  I do.  I have a family that depends on me.  I have an employer that expects me to show up Monday morning bright and early.  I have bills to pay.  But, like it or not, I am an eternal being.  And I will spend eternity somewhere.  So, I'm not just living for the here and now, I'm living for the there and then.

It's a good thing that I'm talking out loud and not singing out loud.  If you know what I mean.

What Every Man Needs

So, what does every man need?

Is it a wife?  Is it a dog?  Is it a great job?  Is it a big house?  Is it a fast car?

All of those are great.  But, those aren't what is on my mind today.

Every man needs to have some guys to sit around and "smoke and joke" with every once in a while.

Today I had lunch with 3 guys.  It was a great lunch.  Each one of those guys has a very different career from me.  Each one is at a very different place in their family situation than me.  None of them are co-workers.  And none of them go to my church.

So what what made it a great lunch?  It was great because it meets a need that every man has.  And that need is the need to band together once in a while to laugh and tell stories.  I call that "smokin' and jokin'"  Now, the deep dark secret here is that this is one of the ways that men relate to one another.  And we relate on different levels than women.

We laugh with each other and they cry.  We punch each other in the arm and they hug.  Very different.  But it meets a need that I have.  And that is a need to have a band of brothers that are willing to invest in me as I invest in them.  I don't see some of these guys very often.  But it is well worth it when we do get together.

You oughta try it.

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The first duty of love . . .

"The first duty of love is to listen."

Paul Tillich

For those who don't recognize the name, Paul Tillich, he was a German theologian who came to the United States during the rise of the Nazis and prior to WWII.  I don't know that to be all that relevant.  It is just a little background.

My thoughts and questions are about the quote itself.  For instance:

How does this meld with our need to verbally communicate to those around us?
How does this meld with our mate's needs to hear us verbally affirm our love for them?
What if I am a "fixer" by nature?

I saw this quote the other day and it got me to thinking about the implications of active and intense listening to our love relationships.  How would those that we love respond if I took the time to sit and listen to what they are saying to me.  I think I will have to sit for more than the length of the average commercial break during the football game.

I don't really know.  I am just talking out loud.  

But what if it became more than a duty?  What if it became my pleasure?

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I have decided not to wait . . .

I have decided not to wait until it is too late.

Too late for what?

I have decided not to wait until it is too late to tell some folks what I really think about them.

And here is what I think  I think I have been very blessed with some incredible friends throughout my life.  My very first friend that I remember was Billy.  We went to church together in Alexandria, LA.  And we went to school together. Our parents were friends.  As a matter of fact, our parents are still friends today!

I have lost contact with Billy.  But, I will tell you what a great friend Billy was.  He let me switch shoes with him one day in school.  I had very plain lace up shoes.  He had penny loafers!  How cool was that?  So, we switched during school and then we switched back before we went back home at the end of the day so our mother's wouldn't know.

OK, I admit that is not that big of a deal.  But my point is this.  We were friends and he shared what he had with me.  That began a long line of friends that have shared with me and invested in me in ways that I didn't always notice, value, or appreciate at the time.

But as I look back at friends like Cecil, Steve, Ralph, Jeff, Brad, Daren, Dave, and now, guys like Dan, Kurt, Randy, Scott, Rene and Mark, I see a pattern of God's blessings.  These are the guys who are investing in me today.  They make me a better man.  And I have decided not to wait to tell them "Thank you".  I am starting to take the opportunity to tell them now that I love and appreciate them.

Why wait until it is too late?

Carpe thankum!

OK, I just made that up.  But you get the point.

I am going to seize the opportunity to say thank you for being my friend.

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He's got a great "work ethic"

All my life I have lived with a strong desire to be seen as someone who is worthy of his wages.  Most guys my age were raised by dads who worked hard and spent their entire careers with the same company.  That is my case.  After dad got out of the Air Force and married mom, and then he spent his entire career with "the phone company."  And I can count on one hand the number of days he missed work in his entire career.  And I would even have a few fingers left over!  Now that man had a strong work ethic.

I don't think I can ever live up to that.

But I have been thinking about a few other "ethics".  What if there was a "husband ethic"?  What if there was a "father ethic"?  How would I stack up against the measure of a good husband or good father?

Well, most of my work as a father is done.  Both of my children are grown and on their own.  I still have some fathering duties to do as you are never really done as a parent, are you?  And my "grandfathering" is just getting started.

I am still a husband.  And I plan to stay a husband as long as Cathy will have me.  We are enjoying the good years that we have looked forward to our whole lives.  And we are looking forward to the days of retirement where we can travel and enjoy more time together.  I just don't think you ever really retire as a husband or father.

But what about the next generation of men that are just starting their husband and father years?  I think if there is one message that I could deliver to them is that they (or we) need to devote the same level of energy and effort into our roles as husbands and fathers that we devote to our role as employee. 

But it isn't all that easy.  Sometimes we see ourselves simply as "money machines".  We see ourselves as income producers and we think that is our primary function as a man.  Sadly, I think many times we miss the boat here.  And if you ask us if that is how we see ourselves, we may not agree or say that we see ourselves that way.  But our actions don't always line up with our intentions.  We don't mean to ignore our primary roles.  We just get caught up in the day to day activities of getting up and going off to work and bringing home a paycheck.  And we are too tired to be a great husband or great father because we have devoted all our energy to the work place.  Great work ethic.  Not so great husband ethic or father ethic.

Hopefully some wives and mothers will chime in here and comment.  I would be willing to bet that most of them are more concerned about how we "work" with them and our children than how we perform at the office and how much money we bring home.  Ladies, am I right here?

I am a very fortunate man.  I have been blessed with a great role model in my dad and my father-in-law.  They successfully balanced all three of these roles.  They even manged to be active leaders in their local churches for most of their lives.  I try every day to live up to those examples.

But I am back to thinking about that next generation.  I have a son and I have a son-in-law.  My kids have friends that are married and starting families.  I have great friends who have married children.  Some have secular jobs.  Some have jobs as pastor in a local church.  My prayer for them is that they will take on their role as husband and father with the same vigor that they approach their job or their ministry. 

As for me.  I will take the Apostle Paul's words slightly out of context.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

Like I said, it may be slightly out of context.  But you get the point that I am still working at it.

And after all, I am just talking out loud.

A New Blog

I think it is time for me to take a little break from the more serious and theological approach of my other blog.  It has given a voice to many thoughts that I have had and allowed me to dialog with some pretty bright folks.  It has also been a great experience for me and it has made me a better thinker and writer. 

But I am looking for another outlet that allows me to comment on more than just theological pursuits.  I am looking forward to commenting on topics of life, love, family, faith and culture.  Hopefully my facebook friends and followers of my other blog will stop by here from time to time.

So, what will this blog look like?  I don't know for sure.  But have you ever said, "I'm just thinking out loud"?  Well, sometimes I find my thoughts leaking out in an audible fashion.  So, I guess that would be "talking out loud" wouldn't it?

Maybe that is what this will look like.  This may be a somewhat less polished and more spur of the moment blog.  I plan to try to mimic some blogging approaches from some folks that I follow and that will allow me to update much more frequently and be much more timely.

We will just have to see where this goes.  After all, I will just be talking out loud.

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